This past week my dear friend, Anali decided to have a "Self -Esteem" week on her blog. She asked a few of her friends to share their personal stories/struggles with self-esteem and she posted each girls story on her blog. I was one of those girls. All those close to me know how I have struggled with my self-esteem and confidence for a lonnnnnnnng time, so being part of "Self-Esteem" week really was special to me.
Each story is unique, personal and meaningful. It was so comforting to read each girls story. We all had different journeys and experiences, but it was refreshing to know that I am not alone! Head on over to Anali's blog and read our stories.
Note: I have come such a long way in this journey and am so thankful I am no longer that girl. Thank God for working on me and polishing me up!
Here is my story:
When
Anali asked me to share my story for self-esteem week I thought “sure,
why not! This will be easy”. I thought hard about what I wanted to
share. I wanted it to be good and impacting to where all the girls who
would read this would shout out a loud hardy "AMEN"! But as I started
writing it all out I said to myself “man, I had some major issues!” HA!
Seriously, after reading what I had initially typed out, I looked at my
mom and said “this makes me sound like I had some kind of complex.” Well,
I guess I did have a complex: the un-pretty complex (I made this up. I
think it is fitting). I am sure this complex is common among most girls.
For me, it nestled itself in my life for quite a while, which began a
long, long battle. I decided to write with all honesty and make this as
simple as possible.
I
have never been really good at accepting compliments. Whenever someone
would compliment me and tell me I looked nice or pretty, I would smile
and say “thanks” but secretly I did not believe them. I have struggled
with self-esteem and confidence for years. I am not really sure why,
though. What’s interesting is when I was a pre-teen, I use to think I
was all that, and a bucket of Lumpia (Egg rolls- I’m Filipino!) and
my confidence level was to the sky and beyond. I don’t think I was
conceited, but my friends back then may want to argue that. Sometime
after I started college I made a 180 and my self-esteem came crashing
down. I felt less confident and uncomfortable with my appearance. This
was also around the same time my heart got broken by my “boyfriend” (I
use parenthesis because this wasn’t a real relationship). So there is
some correlation between my broken heart and lack of self-esteem.
However, I do not blame this guy at all. I felt so much rejection and in
turn I started to believe that I was one of Cinderella’s not so cute
step sisters. The rejection hit me hard. 
My
battle was long. It was annoying and now, after all these years, it’s
embarrassing. I drove my parents and friends crazy with all my “I am not
cute” and “I am so fat” comments. I created a huge mountain out an ant
hill. I constantly compared myself to all the other girls that I deemed
to be models in comparison to myself. Attending conferences and camp
meetings were a challenge because I always felt like the ugly duckling
among the sea of beautiful princesses. I never felt pretty enough. I was
also very obsessed with my weight. I associated being “fat” with being
ugly, therefore I had a long battle with wanting to be stick skinny.
That was intense too. See what I mean? I had issues! 
One
day my Pastor sat me down just to talk. He would randomly ask me how I
was doing from time to time. During this particular conversation, he had
asked me if I thought I was beautiful. I instantly ignored his question
(of course, because I didn’t think I was). Shortly after this he
started what he calls our “mutual admiration society” where we greet
each other with “Hey Gorgeous” and “Hi there, Handsome”. You
do not know how special this made me feel and it really did help get me
out of my pit of insecurities. I thank God that He placed a great man
in my life to help encourage me where I needed it the most. We still
have these exchanges of admiration and I cherish them.
Let’s
fast forward to now; do I still struggle with my insecurities? Do I
still have my complex? I can’t lie and say “no, I am 100% recovered”
because honestly I still have my moments where I find myself falling
back into my pit. BUT the difference between now and then is that I am
learning to really love myself for the BEAUTIFUL person God has made me
to be. He loves me just the way I am…flaws and all. I am just the way He
wants me to be or else He would have created me like someone else. Plus,
if I couldn’t love myself how do I expect others to love me. And how do
I make God feel by having my complex? It was like a slap in His face
and telling Him that His wonderful handiwork was flawed. Really? God
makes beautiful things and that includes me.
 |
A
lot has happened in my life in the last two years that really had
taught me so much about myself and forced me to really deal with my
issues. I have learned to truly love myself (it hasn’t been easy at all)
and see myself in the way my family and close friends see me: Awesome!
HA. I joke! But seriously, I walk with more confidence now. I take care
of myself. I dress with more confidence and am more adventurous with my
clothes (colors and prints!). I believe the compliments I receive are
real. I feel good in my own skin. I don’t avoid the
mirrors like I use to or put myself down constantly. I can see myself
just as pretty as other girls instead of feeling like Shrek next to
them. When I look at myself I am less critical and more
appreciative of the pretty face staring back at me. Most importantly, I
am happy. I am happy with who I am. The happiest I have ever been in
such a long time. I give all the credit to God! Because He is so good to
me! His love has been unconditional.
My
dad always told me that no matter what there will always be someone
better or prettier, so just be the best me that I can be. It wasn’t
really easy to take this advice, but my dad was a smart man. So, I am doing my best to be the best Carisa Luisa Virtucio. I am one of a kind and a Child of the King, who is so blessed. Life can’t get better than that.
I
am not sure if what I’ve battled with will help anyone else, but during
the process of writing out my story (especially my first draft) it
really helped me heal. I have spent years focusing on the outward
appearance and comparing myself to others, which caused a long spiral of
insecurities and bitterness. I even thought to myself that maybe I
wasn't the right person to participate in self-esteem week because I
still have my struggles. But this really has been so good for me. It not
only showed me how silly and dramatic I have been, but also that I have
been looking at things all wrong. The most important thing is how God
sees me and what's in my heart. Above all I want to be pleasing to Him,
and this includes loving myself just the way He made me.
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| The new refined and polished Carisa. No longer the girl hiding behind her glasses. |
